Teachable

One of the things I admire most about my father is that he is man with a teachable heart.

I would say that many have an attitude, especially in the church of "you can't teach me anything new", or an intellectual pride in what they know. And....the people that are puffed up in their own knowledge usually do not see it.

Months ago, when I was in Houston, I was having a conversation with a friend about church, and my friend remarked to me, "I have heard every sermon there ever was - pastors out there have nothing new to offer me." The comment saddened me a little - because it sort of closes the door of your heart to receive anything new or fresh.

I have to confess that I can be prideful in what I know, or what I think I know. I have to pray, as the scriptures say, "that the eyes of my heart would be enlightened" to the words and the wisdom of all those around me. To the words of my pastor, to my roomates, to the next door neighbor. God can and in fact will use anyone or anything to speak to me.

I do not want to miss out on what He has to say.

My father is one that never wants to stop learning and the things of God are no exception. He finds himself approaching his 60th year and knows he has more to learn. I think of him and remember Jesus' words to the people, "that whoever humbles himself as a little child...he is the greatest in the Kingdom of God."

Faith, hope, and love

I mentioned in earlier posts that I was hanging out with a couple that used to serve in the Catholic church during the holidays. Frank and Joan Testa. Frank went to a Catholic seminary in Belgium (it's where they send all the smart priests-to-be) and Joan, served for over twenty years as a nun - she wanted to be a nun when she was very young. Why they came out of the Catholic church is very long and involved and not the point of this post.

Anyhow - this couple just loved on me and anyone who does not know the Testas and have not had the privelage of being completely spoiled for a weekend by them is just missing out, that's all there is to it.

More than being very well fed though - i was so thankful for their confidance in me, or maybe I should say their confidance in God to work through me and to come through on my behalf. They prayed with such great faith that the Lord has something tremendously good for me, that He has a hope and a future for me.

They took me to this resturaunt on Friday, and we were talking about my anxieties. Frank told me quite assuringly, "Jen, when you have a pure heart, a heart that is seeking after God, He will always lead you where you need to go. We see your heart and you need to rest in the truth that He wants for you to not worry and to be encouraged, this is the very reason we invited you up here."

When you are uncertain about life and God and where He wants you to go, it is so difficult to see the possibilities. We so desperately need the body of Christ, we need those by our side who will speak faith, hope, and love over us when our vision is tainted and dim. We need people who see in us what we do not see in ourselves. We are kidding ourselves to believe that we can fashion our destinies alone. We need each other.

Frank and Joan loved me like I was their daughter this weekend. The Testas do not have any of their own children naturally, because they got married later in life. But they have so many spiritual children, beloved sons and daughters and I count myself among the lucky few who have been "adopted" by these precious people.

Union Station

On Monday I took Pastor James up to Capital Hill to speak with staffers about Sudan. For the most part I think it went well.


When we were walking back to Union Station, we came across this Korean man.



















He stood alone playing the trumpet. And out of that instrument was the sweetest version of "What a friend we have in Jesus" I have ever heard in my life. It was so beautiful James started to tear up.

In unison, we both turned around, took a deep breath and listened. The man stopped playing and started singing this simple praise song to God. It was so pure and simple and good. A far cry from the cynacism that sort of hung over the city that day like a black cloud. I listened and made a special note of thanksgiving for this man.

Pastor James

I've been busy the last few weeks because my organizations main contact from Sudan, Pastor James is in town. I think James is going to start calling me the weeping missionary, because his stories make me cry. Mostly - because I feel so bad that in our country the things we should treasure most we take for granted.

One story I will share about his life. In 1988, Northern troops surrounded the largest city in the S. Sudan, Juba, and were basically starving the people to death. Weeks went by and children were starting to die, every day more holes were dug for bodies. Instead of despairing, James and his friends would sit together and remember how faithful God is and His provision. Every day they would thank God for His love that endures forever. It is something that is more valuable than food, more precious than our momentary lives. The life of Jesus, the life He extends to each and every one of us.

James words to us in our devotion this morning: "There is nothing greater in this life than serving our Lord. There is nothing greater in this life than serving others. If we impact one person while we are here on this earth, all the hardship is worth it."

Believers and Admirers

Courtesy of Kierkegaard and Jason Upton


john 14:6) "Christ claimed to be the way, the Truth, and the life. For this reason, he could never be satisfied with adherents who accepted his teaching- especially with those who in their lives ignored it...His whole life on earth from beginning to end was destined to have followers and to make admirers impossible." -soren kierkegaard


Jesus- help us follow you and not just admire you. Admiring you requires little attention to you, and almost no personal sacrifice. Following you requires my total attention and my whole life. I want to follow you more than I believe in you. Believing you has not made me follow you as much as following you has made me a believe you and trust you. . Jason.

Crossroads

This morning I went to The Falls Church to hear the head of International Justice Mission speak. His sermon was called: When God's Will is Scary. This was exactly the word i needed to hear this weekend.

Basically, he proposed a question: Do you want to be brave, or do you want to be safe in this life? A good question, and a question I think we are all challenged with in our few precious moments on the earth.

This can mean so many things to people. Do you want to settle in that relationship, because right now there is nothing better? Do you want to pursue that dream even though it may be costly? Do you want to travel 1500 miles across the country? Are you prepared to travel to the other side of the globe? What if you are called foolish? What if it isn't working out exactly as you anticipated?

There is a risk to following Jesus. It is high and it may cost you your life. In fact, He will most definitely ask you for all of it. Don't worry, if you haven't been asked yet, He will at some point in this journey.

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my journey, and I have been asking these questions, during the in between times... in the morning with my coffee in my car, or on the subway... Wanting a safer option, a safer route, one that is more predictable.

Jesus is not the safer option. In the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe, Lucy sees Aslan, and she asks, "Is He safe?". The response from her companion, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course He's not safe. But He is good. He is the King I tell you..."

One step at a time

Words from a new book I am reading called Ruthless Trust, by Brennan Manning...

"The words of the fifteenth - century theologian Angelus Silesius, 'If God stopped thinking of me, he would cease to exist,' are thoroughly orthodox. Silesius merely paraphrases the message of Jesus: 'Can you buy five sparrows for two pennies? And yet not one is forgotten in God's sight. Why, every hair on your head has been counted. There is no need to be afraid; you are worth more than hundreds of sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7).

We can feel forgotten, but He is always mindful of us. Lately I have felt uncertain about alot of things. I want clarity, direction, a life compass that I can hold in my hand and point me down the right path. Yet as I have been reading B. Manning's book perhaps that is something I need to let go of and what I really need to do is trust that each step He sees and He knows. He loves me too much to take His eyes off me. He is mindful always... He never forgets.

You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. - ps 18

The nameless

One of my contacts in Sudan is a pastor who travels through the South, and now the West to minister to his people. His name is James.

During the Civil War, he had been separated from his mother, in fact he did not know where she was for almost twenty years. Not too long ago, James discovered that his mother was in a refugee camp on the border. He desperately wanted to take her out of there, but she refused. She had been taking care of children in the camp, whose parents had died. "Who will take care of them if i leave??" she asked James, "this is where I belong."

I know it is in our nature to desire to be great, that our life would be important, or meaningful. We all want that, in some capacity, whether we recognize it or not. I know in the city I am living in, people are striving to be important or successful in their own eyes, and in the eyes of others. To make a name for themselves.

And then there are the nameless, faceless human beings in this world, who will never be recognized by the world, but whose lives are truely significant, because they embody the love of Jesus Christ, and have taken on His name, have taken on His humility. Their glory transcends all that is ephemeral in this world. They are a beautiful sight to behold.

I think on the other side of eternity, we will be surpised at who was considered great.

It's a desert out there

Listening to: Brenda Fassie, "Vul'indela"

























One of the men i met told me God brought a verse to his mind a year ago, when he approached a border and the customs officer searches his stuff and found copies of the New Testament.





To his shock, all the officers wanted a copy to read.






























The verse is in Amos 8: "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD, "when I will send a famine through the land— not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it. "





















Man. The Word of God is life. Whether we are in a dry and weary land, or in a place of abundance.
























I was mostly amazed at how God pursues people, all over the world where it is not so easy to hear the message of Christ. It makes me love Him that much more...

Beauty from ashes

One of my dearest friends, Deborah sent my church family this email five years ago on September 11.

I am on-call at the hospital tonight--but wanted to share something with all of you. LAST TUESDAY, the Lord put the following prayer on my heart--The image was strange to me at the time--but, thankfully, I wrote it down in my journal and have been praying it over and over today in light of all of the tragedy... I am praying that this would be the testimony of all of those involved in this terrible thing... Confident in the God that brings beauty from ashes,
Deborah

O Lord, how you come rescue us!
Digging us our from the things that have collapsed upon us-
The things that we lie buried in--
and that threaten to suffocate us
O Lord, you dig us out from the rubble--
From the ruins of the building that we once thought strong
When we are trapped and helpless--
Smothered-
You save us
You run to us
And dig passionately and furiously
To free us from the things
that threaten to deprive us our very breath
Praise you Jesus
I am free
I can breathe
The rubble which laid so heavy upon my chest has been lifted.
O Lord, my Deliverer.

Early mornings

Listening to: "You are the one" - Keith Green, remixed by J. Upton

I love the mornings sometimes, especially when i can be still and listen. The theme of this year for me is Back to Basics. I am learning a gratefulness for the cross and the resurrection in a way that i had never experienced before. It is changing my life.

This morning I read out of my d. bonhoeffer devo, "A Morning Blessing"

But early on Easter morning Christ emerged victorious from the grave. "Ere yet the dawn has filled the skies/Behold my Savior Christ arise,/He chases from us sin and night,/And brings us joy and life and light. Halleluia."

So sang the church of the Reformation. Christ is the "Sun of Righteousness," who has risen upon the expectant congregation (Mal 4:2) and they who love him will be like the sun when it rises in its strength (Judges 5:31). The early morning belongs to the church of the risen Christ. At the break of light it remembers the morning on which death, the devil, and sin were brought low in defeat, and new life and salvation were given to human beings.

Amen and Amen

Keep it simple

My dad in conversation would at times use that military saying: K.I.S.S. : Keep it simple stupid. I was thinking of that this morning, when i was reading my D. Bonhoeffer devotional:

It is not Christ who has to justify himself before the world by acknowledging the values of justice, truth, and freedom. Instead, it is these values that find themselves in need of justification, and their justification is Jesus Christ alone. It is not a "Christian culture" that still has to make the name of Jesus Christ acceptable to the world; instead, the crucified Christ has become the refuge, justification, protection, and claim for these highter values and their defenders who have been made to suffer. It is with Christ, persecuted and suffering together with his church-community, that justice, truth, humanity, and freedom seek refuge. It is the Christ who is unable to find shelter in the world, who is the sheter to whom one flees for protection; only thus is the full breadth of Christ's power revealed.

I am not in the habit of listening to classical music, but the last two days, I have been listening to Handel's Messiah. Get this: Handel wrote it in 24 days!! Can you imagine?

I have two favorite sections: One, the chorus section named, "Lift up your heads", where the chorus is singing the Psalm, "Lift up you gates, so the King of Glory can come in. Who is the King of Glory? He is the Lord of Hosts!!!"

The second is a movement entitled "For unto us a child is born", singing the scripture of Isaiah: "Unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given. And the Government shall be upon His shoulders. And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

You may wonder why I am linking Bonhoeffer and Handel together this morning. I think in these two artistic expressions, I loved the simplicity of resting all focus on Jesus Himself. In our world, where self help books, the likes of "Your best life now", busy schedules, the worries of the world, our search for Him through intellectualism, trying to understand the innerworking of ourselves and everything else.... All of the mess that we fill our lives with.... That perhaps for a moment I would not focus on how He has blessed us, or how He has not blessed us...

But simply that He is. And He is worthy.

The joy of discovering my neglect

Tonight, my roomate had about 15 of her old college friends come over (in light of a wedding in town) to hang out. We were watching a DVD of some worship that she had from her old church in Cape Town, South Africa where she taught for a year. We watched it and started to sing along. Just watching the crowd, made me cry, just seeing the thousands with their hands out, head to the sky, and tears pouring down. Each soul in a different part of the journey, but with one great thing in common: they longed to be in His presence, above all things, to love Him and be loved by Him.

Later on, I closed my door and listened to my own worship, a woman by the name of Rita Springer, who actually used to lead worship in Houston. She grew up homeless, her parents staying in parks and such.... They recognized her talent though, and somehow nurtured it. Rita is so good because she sings alot about broken people that need God. The rich. The poor. The one that seems to be straight as an arrow, and the wondering son. Whether or not we recognize it, our hearts long for God.

My soul has been so weary lately. i couldn't quite place my finger on it this week, but i understand now.

Why do I neglect my first love, when He is so ready to give all of Himself?? I want to be like David that meditated on Him in the first hours of morning and in the twilight hours before i close my eyes to dream.

Let it be Your face Lord, that I seek.

Shenandoah National Park

This was the most jam packed weekend since my car pulled into D.C. this past May. Sat. morning I went to BOWIE, Maryland to have breakfast with a girl i met at Cedar Ridge. Then back onto the orange line to hang out with some very fun Mac enthusiasts who i think have managed to pull me out of the shameful pit of PCs. The first thing to do is repent and head to an Apple Store.
On to Dulles to pickup Liz who was speaking at a church in middle of nowhere Virginia about her summer in Guatemala where she worked with gangs (Liz is another H town friend, God love em for coming up here). Acutally, it wasn't middle of nowhere, VA - in reality it was four miles from Shenandoah National Park. So a detour was in order. I walked along the Appalachian trial, took pictures of butterflies, and sat on a big fat rock overlooking the view and read some of the Word, which I had been neglecting, or at least my soul had been feeling the neglect...










Illuminated on the page were these words: "My heart is not proud, O Lord my eyes are not haughty; I do not consider myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me..."


It was good to be in a beautiful national park with just God, the gnats, and my thoughts. My soul was quiet, all attentions and affections undivided. Not worrying about mondays list of chores, or things in my life that I cannot control in the first place. Not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow can take care of itself.

The insurgency

I think in my life there are two battles that have tried to break me: One a battle for my love, or rather to know, not just intellectually but to the depths that I am loved by God. And two, where does my identity rest, or in whom does it rest.

The second one is huge for me, and maybe for others as well. I get encouragement, and then I experience rejection, an unmet expectation, or a failure and I so easily forget. Sitting at Deidrichs a few years back I was praying and journaling and I wrote something that I reread this evening:

No one's perception of you can alter the truth about who you are, or diminish the work that was birthed in you from the beginning. The truth is steadfast, the truth cannot be broken in two, it cannot be blown away. You have been sealed and annointed for a good work. Those that have spoken falsely over, that have spoken words of doubt. Those words fall to the ground today because I have spoken life over you, My precious promises to give you a hope and a future.

There will always be an insurgency to challenge my hold on the truth. I'm starting to see that nothing I can do or be in this life will truely validate me as a woman, or a human being. Those are all broken cisterns that as I attempt to drink from them, will just keep me frustrated and discouraged.

But I can be His. I can love God, and love people. And, I can try to do that every day.

Manifest Destiny

Sometimes music speaks to me more than anything else can or does in my life. On August 1st my roommate, Katie, who is a sign language interpreter, is signing for a concert featuring Guster (no idea) and Ray LaMontangue (love him man, I just love him). She is signing for Guster, and was practicing for us. One of the songs that I just heard for the first time was called “Manifest Destiny”. When I was listening to the words, I jumped off the bed to go get my camera. Here is the video and the words she is signing: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8672289353760176238

You and I can quit this scene
Build a town and then secede
Like an Adam and an Eve
To the dreamers go the dreams
But the leaders take the lead
It's a frightening, frightening thing

Born to the land of opportunity
of Manifest destiny

Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind


For some of you destiny and purpose may seem crystal clear and you have no problems deciphering what the heck God wants to do with your life. For me, it has been a road where I feel like I only get to travel a few inches at a time with some light. But I know the dreams I have dreamed since I was a little girl, before I even knew what God was all about. Those dreams came back to me in college and especially in grad school. I don’t believe dreams are given to us in vain, but I still don’t know how much we do ourselves and how much is God. I know our life is full of OUR choices.

I don’t want my life to be a waste, I want it to have served a purpose. I never thought I would be in this town, that D.C. would be apart of the journey, or how it fits into the whole picture. I thought by now, that I would be hanging out in some hut in a third world country. Who knew?

A Testament of Freedom 514

Who Am I? This man or that other?
Am I then this man today and tomorrow another?
Am I both all at once? An imposter to others,
but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army,
that flees in disorder before a battle already won?
Who Am I? They mock me these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, You know me, O God. You know I am yours.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

St. Anselm

O Lord God, teach me to seek You,
For I cannot seek You
Unless You teach me, or find you
Unless You show Yourself to me...

Let me seek You in my desire,
Let me desire You in my seeking
Let me find You by loving You,
Let me love You when I find You.

- Saint Anselm, AD 1109

The least

It's hard to look at brokenness. It's just an ugly thing to look at. We start to hear ourselves say, that's just one more kid that won't make adulthood. That's just one more young girl that was robbed of her dignity. I think oftentimes, including myself, want to just avoid seeing at all.

How often do we see the guy on the street that asks you for a dollar to take the bus for the fourth day in a row?? I know we can't do for everyone, but at times i think our hearts are so hard. According to God, every life carries weight, because we bear His image.

I think when see them, we are left with a choice to do something, to pray, or just keep looking the other way.

One of my favorite stories is in the Old Testament, the woman Hagaar who was driven out by Sarah, with her boy out into the desert with no one to hear his cries. But God sends an angel out there to help her, and she says in her gratefulness, "this is the God who sees me".

Jesus told us whatever we do to the least of these we do to Him.

I'm glad He sees my brokenness and yet He sees more than this still...

Everything's not lost

This afternoon, I was on the phone with my friend Lisa. She was humming a Coldplay song that i had been singing today:

Me: Were you just singing Cold..
Lisa: Oh yeah, i played it all day long today
Me: So did I over and over, that same song!
Lisa: Yeah, crazy
Me: Wow
Lisa: Yeah....

I was a bit frustrated today with work and what is going on there. I am enjoying it, but there are days like everyone else, where I feel like i wonder if i am doing any good here. When you begin any work, or at least with me, i want that endeavor to be successful, i want to be a success. Duh, i sure don't want to fail at it. I, like many others fall into that trap of, I have to do so i can be something. I have to look this way in order to be seen as... you get the picture. In this town, i see how ambitious people are, how they are trying to scramble up to the top, this all consuming drive...and it makes me sad.

Then i was reminded of a conversation i had with a friend of mine back in H Town. I was taking him to the airport, and i started asking him about the year before when he had been so sick he almost died. In fact, we were praying for him fervently, but were starting to wonder if he was going to meet Jesus before any of us.. He has a condition that affects him in a way that at his worst, he couldn't move any part of his body, he couldn't talk, and he couldn't even breathe on his own.

I asked him on that ride to the airport how God encouraged him, expecting to hear something crazy, like God showing up in this huge vision comforting him, something huge...

"Nah, He didn't do that Jen."

Oh.

But, God did remind my friend of one thing, just one thing: "You will always be more important to Me than what you do...."

Enough said..